My weekend didn’t end on a bad note, after all.  I was already at my wit’s end Sunday afternoon because I received a text message from Evie’s yaya that her mother didn’t want her to go back to us anymore.  I immediately called her and asked what the matter was.  Turns out her uncle and cousin arrived from Manila and were recruiting her to go there to work in a factory.  I asked her if this is what she wanted and she said she didn’t want to go, but her relatives were insistent.  She did say, though, that she would come back because she already told her mother that she couldn’t leave behind my baby.  Although she promised she would return, I wasn’t so sure about it and was in a bad mood the rest of the afternoon.

I didn’t want to hear Mass yesterday but Dean was quite insistent.  I felt bad and angry that everything had gone wrong the past week and I was on the verge of losing a good yaya.  I didn’t know what I would do.  The yaya had not yet arrived by the time we went to Mass and I had to leave Evie with Tatay and Nanay’s attendant.  I couldn’t concentrate during the Mass.  I was nurturing my anger and asking God all sorts of questions.  If bad things happen to both good and bad people, what’s the point in being good?  The priest was saying, “God doesn’t allow evil to reign,” and I was asking, “If that is so, why did God let Marcos rule for 20 years?  Why did he allow Hitler to kill so many Jews?”  The answers escaped me.  I just felt the need to vent my frustration that things were going so wrong. 

I didn’t want to pray.  But it so difficult to do that when you’re in church and everyone around you is in conversation with a Higher Being.  I told the Lord first that I was angry.  And I was hurting.  And I just wanted peace of mind.  Is that too much to ask for?  And then I felt Him telling me that absence of problems does not equate to peace of mind.  Peace of mind, He said, comes from being in His presence regardless of what situation I was in.  Peace of mind is the sure knowledge that God knows and sees what I am going through and that He is with me all the way. 

Boy! That was hard to accept.  I know I have been too stubborn and proud to listen to Him.  But after I said “Okay, Lord, I hear you,”  I felt peace in my heart.  I didn’t really pray that He would convince my yaya to come back.  I just asked Him to help me to trust that His will for me is better than what I want for myself.  Rather than asking Him to give ME what I wanted, I guess He was pleased that I asked that HIS will be done because when I got home Evie was being given a bath by her yaya.  Thank God! 🙂

I’m just happy the week ended better than I thought it would.  I just hope this week will be better.

Hope everyone who reads this will have a good week ahead.

Advertisements