I am not a patient person.  I easily lose my temper and when I do, it's not a pretty sight.  I'm not proud that I am like this and I would really want to change and be more patient.  Yesterday, though, I had a really bad experience, something I want to forget but can't help remembering.

I've been meaning to let go of one of my mom's attendants for financial reasons.  I've also heard from the maids that she has been complaining about a lot of things at home and has bossed them around.  On account of her, several of our helpers have left because tinatarayan niya.  At first, I didn't mind these because I know that being in a household with different personalities can be very explosive.  Someone is bound to say bad things about another.  My mistake was I didn't investigate it immediately because I didn't want them to confront each other and fight about it.

Last weekend, though, something happened which was the last straw for me.  My dad told me that 3 capsules of Somazine (my mom's most expensive medicine for the brain) got lost.  My dad suspected one of the attendants because a few months back she sold us 3 capsules of the same medicine, presumably from a neighbor whose husband had stroke and died.  When we asked her about it, she was quite evasive.  Although we never really confirmed that it was she who got the medicines, I felt I I couldn't trust her anymore, and I couldn't let her go on taking care of Nanay without that trust.  If she did get the medicines, I really doubt if she would confess to it.

There were also other things that happened which made me want to let her go.  I found out from one of the helpers that there was one time before that she forced my mom to walk and my mom nearly fell.  I don't even want to think about what could have happened if she fell on her head. 

We talked yesterday morning and earlier I prayed for the strength to say what I had to say.  I should have prayed for self-control.  I just totally lost it.  I know I said awful things to her but I was just so angry. Anyway, I don't regret letting her go because I couldn't trust her anymore.  What I regret the most is that I allowed myself to lose control.  I know I could have talked to her in a nice way, but I was just so angry that I forgot all about saving whatever relationship we had. 

I'm not proud of what I did, but I feel like telling people about it.  I don't know… maybe this is some sort of confession.  I just hope that I can somehow make amends (maybe not to her but to other people) for the wrong that I did. 

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